Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
