For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
