If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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