careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
