bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
