I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
