This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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