as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
