So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
