And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
