Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I didn't notice because vodka
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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