Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
