This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
