that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
