in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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