Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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