the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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