weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
