dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
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