Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
