best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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