youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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