So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
