Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
