I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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