New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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