Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
