Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
pop tarts are not kleenex
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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