His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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