No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
