Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
