Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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