Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
