my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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