He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
