oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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