bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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