my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
