My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
