Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
