so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
