So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
