Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
