A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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