I faked an abortion last night.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
