Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
His nipple licking is glorious
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