im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
