hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
