I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
