The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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