just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
